The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are (Carl G. Jung).
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Dear self, stay with me for another year, I'm not finish loving you.
As we grow old, I realize loving ourselves is the most luxury thing we can ever have. That time we can finally be proud and smile while telling yourself "I love myself more, no one can ever stop me" is the highest place we can ever stand. It's something seems easy but impossibly hard to reach.
I'm alone keep going back and forth when trying to reach it. Keep having love-hate-hate relationship with myself, no lie. Self love is luxury, when everything keep crashing down day by day. Like, wow, life's so cruel. Life's hard, but should we be hard on ourselves too?. It always such a privilege to have that unconditional love of self.
In this chaotic condition I think loving myself will be everything I need for now to keep my sanity on track. Not gonna lie I'm still so far to take that crown. Just this past 3 months alone part of myself constantly shouting I hate myself everytime I open my eyes. The storm inside me just keep raging without I even know how to shut it down. My head is dangerous, let alone the whole part of myself. I have all those worst scenarios and wishes. It's hard to just recognize the form of loving myself. How it feels like? I've been longing for it. Because wow it's always feel suffocating here.
Every people have something to calm themselves from the storm they are in. It could be anything; songs, books, words, drinks, foods, pets, or even nature. As for me, strolling around would do the trick. But, since the condition still not good enough to let me out to have my random walk, my coping mechanism isn't working well. So, I back to some songs and this one book that could help me keep walk on the storm that still raging. And I let some of my energy out to write something. So after all the process did I finally come to love myself? Hahaha, no, I just realize that it's important. I still so far to be claimed I love myself. I still beat myself for many things, hate myself for my flaws, overthink all the things have happened. But as I finally have the courage to release all this words, I know I'm learning to love more. Take step by step again and again to claim that luxury thing.
Though I'm still so far, just for today (at least) I want myself to be free (even a bit) to take the universe blessings as a gift for myself. Let it give every good things, because myself can't resist anymore. Taking more rest than I deserve. Fill my self with more love than I ever give before. Embracing whatever color that I have than I ever did. Blessed day, self, universe still loves you. It gives you another chance to try.
To end this words, I believe one thing, maybe not everyone want to stay with you, but your own self will always stay. Treat yourself well. #24
Happy world mental health day, everyone!